Honestly

I have not written in a while here,

not sure if it is because I have been avoiding it

or because I just don't want to.

Our life has been a roller coaster

the last few months

and I feel like all I do is complain.

I am trying to look up but every time I do,

the sun blinds me and forces me to look down.

And here I am,

staring at the ground

wondering what the heck is going on in my life?

Wondering how I got here

and what is the next step?

I would be lying if I said this move was not hard.

In fact,

I have lied.

I know there have been many times where I have sucked up a happy face,

pretending it all has been perfect.

When in fact,

it has not.

Our house is a great house

and we are so thankful for it.

It has been everything we have looked for.

The girls have loved it.

The first few weeks were full of the girls

checking out every square inch.

Enjoying the different levels

and finding new play areas each day.

I thought Ellie had really embraced the move,

but now I am wondering if she had just tucked all her anxiety down

and now is starting to unleash her over reacting feelings.

The last few weeks as a mom,

I have felt defeated.

Lost.

I have screamed more times than I have been able to laugh.

I have cried more tears than I have been able to smile.

Parenting right now has not been a joy.

Honestly,

I can't put it any other way.

I have felt like I am at the end of my rope.

So many days, 

I have found it hard even just to get dressed.

To put on a nice outfit or wash my face.

It has been a struggle.

I love Ellie more than anything in the world

but she has stretched me beyond anything I have ever thought I could go.

She has pushed me to my breaking point.

Each day it has been a struggle

just to get through the day until the moment Luke walks through the door.

Ellie has started this awful whine.

All day long.

It doesn't stop when she is with me.

She whines about everything.

 It could be the smallest thing and she is instantly in tears.

Her reactions to anything and everything have been heightened 1000x.

 I have tried to stay calm,

try to understand.

But after dealing with this day after day,

my patience has dwindled.

I am trying to understand her,

figure out where she is coming from

but I just don't know anymore.

Her highs are HIGH

and her lows are LOW

and lately she has been living in the lows all the time.

On top of all of this, 

we have yet again caught another flu bug.

What is going on?

How on earth can we have another bug?

More puking,

More laundry.

This has been our life lately.

I'm sorry,

this is depressing

but I need to get it out.

I can't just pretend.

Our house HAS been depressing lately.

We are working on trying to figure out the best way to raise our Ellie.

She is not an easy child

and I know we got spoiled having Pea first.

Ellie has got so much life in her,

we are just having a hard time being able to bring that out

rather than the sad, I'm mad about everything, continuous crying  Ellie 

that she has been the last few weeks.

I have been finding myself wishing I could go to work

and just send my girls off to daycare to let someone else raise them.

I don't want to think this way!

I want to enjoy being home with them.

Enjoy laughing and playing with them.

Hopefully soon we can get out of this funk.

I am getting tired.

Drained.

Life has been exhausting lately.

This is me, just being honest.